dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize