God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I will pee on everything he values.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
