I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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