Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
