Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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