WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
