that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
