So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
