And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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