I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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