I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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