im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
