If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
