Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
