i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
