i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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