I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
