I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
