Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
