Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
