if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
