You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
