and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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