On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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