I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
