I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
