my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
