I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Green mimosas i think yes
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
