1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
