So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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