I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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