Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
