Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
