operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
