her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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