If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
