I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
