Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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