he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
