Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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