How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
