So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
