Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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