Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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