If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
