11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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