so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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