the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
