I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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