god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
