Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
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We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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