I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
