I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
