You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
