I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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