She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
