This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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