even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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