Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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