The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
