I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
