my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
