I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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