oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
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just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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