How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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