I want you more than these girls want KFC
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
