Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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